Coins of Chaos
A Beginner's Guide to War-Profiteering
People have been at war with each other since there have been people. We have gone to war over everything from power to pastry. At this point, war is second nature to us, and wouldn’t it be idiotic not to profit from it? After all, war is not just hell; it’s a hell of a business opportunity.
If you are wondering where to start, fret not because I am here to tell you how to make billions from bullets. I have crafted this easy-to-follow, step-by-step guide for you, the ambitious entrepreneur who wants to cash in on the chaos. Ready to take the first step towards being a war dog? Let’s begin.
Step 1: Pick your battles (wisely)
Key Tip: Not every war is equal.
There are over 110 armed conflicts currently ongoing in the world. How many of them are covered by the news? Not more than two or three. You would ideally want to pick a conflict that’s “media-friendly” but far enough away that no one will notice the collateral damage. Those PR points will come in handy later.
Characteristics of lucrative regions:
Rich in natural resources: Think of all the sweet moolah you can get your grubby little hands on once you have control over those critical resources. Now, what if one of those resources is water? People have already been killing each other over it. Lots of untapped (pun intended) potential here.
Strategic importance: Unlike us, governments are greedy. They always covet land (or waterways) they don’t have (*cough* South China Sea *cough*).
Weak governments: Who better to fight those wars than the locals? You can always bribe or intimidate the local government to start one. Tribal and religious disputes? Well, those would even set your grandchildren up for life because you know that baby will outlive us all.
Now that you have your overseas battle, you’d want to set the mood back home. For that, let’s look at the second step.
Step 2: Influence the Influencers
Key Tip: Keep your friends close, enemies closer, and politicians on speed dial.
Now that you have your war, you’d want to jump straight into the fray (metaphorically, of course, you are too valuable to leave your sea-facing home-cum-office). But hold on! You need justification first.
I know you want to say, “But Ritvik, isn’t profit justification enough?”
I’ll concede that that might be enough to convince politicians, but everyone else needs something that appears more ‘ethical’. That’s where public opinion comes in. You need the masses on your side—or, more accurately, on the side of the conflict.
Some helpful tactics to achieve this:
Think tanks: The first step towards public opinion is public dialogue. Sponsor think tanks with trustworthy names like “Peaceful Center for Global Security”. Up your social media game and disseminate “useful” information through various channels.
Media: Befriend the press, for they are your gateway to the minds of the masses. Make sure those prime-time shows are talking about the necessity of the conflict. Do you know the best part? You don’t even have to choose a side. Cater to the audience across the political spectrum. You can see the examples if you switch on your TV right now.
Lobby: Now that the mood has been set, you’d want to “donate” to the election campaigns of the ruling party (*cough* Electoral Bonds *cough*). After all, you will sell your wares to the nation’s military, which is under their control, and God forbid your billions to be inconvenienced by taxes.
Now that you have a war and a favourable public opinion, it’s time to sell.
Step 3: Stock up and Cash In
Key Tip: Your margins are proportional to the intensity of public sentiment.
Congratulations! You are almost there. A war is raging, the public is rallying on the streets, and you are the new patriot in town. But hang on, what can you sell? The short answer: Everything. The long answer: Here’s the list (Hey, I like lists!):
Arms: When we say armed conflict, we don’t really mean armed conflict. Guns and ammo are the bread and butter of war. But you are not selling weapons; you are selling the “tools of freedom”. You don’t have to start with tanks. Nowadays, the government pays a pretty penny for drones. Those little buggers are more dangerous than what their size might suggest.
Food: Have you ever worked hungry? It’s tough. Now, imagine that you control the supply of food and other resources to the battlefield. Turns out, the soldiers will pay you top dollar to be a water boy. Upon seeing the margins you are raking in, John D. Rockefeller’s corpse will come out of its grave to check those account books.
Eyes: Help governments spy on enemies abroad and citizens at home (You never know when one of them might turn out to be a traitor).
Propaganda Machinery: You know what happens when the war ends? Government falls. This scares the man at the top. He wouldn’t want the war to end so soon now, would he? And that’s where you come in with your arsenal: from viral memes to tear-jerking, patriotic TikTok videos—a genuinely bespoke end-to-end solution to keep the spirit of Ares alive among the countrymen.
I am sure you can come up with more creative solutions to the problems faced by the soldiers and sell them to the governments at the highly discounted cost of democracy and freedom.
Step 4: Keep up the Good Work
Key Tip: It takes billions to rebuild what millions destroyed.
Now that the war is over (after a really, really long and profitable time), you are left with billions of dollars at hand and a nation in ruin. It now becomes our responsibility as God-fearing people to help rebuild that nation (and make a little money while doing that). Here are some ways in which you can help:
Monetary Aid: You can lend some money to the (now) developing country. But how will those poor people ever repay your kindness? Well, you can always keep some collateral in case the weight of your generosity becomes too much for them to bear.
Non-Monetary Aid: But what if you don’t have enough money to spare? In that case, you can offer the various services provided by your corporation to the struggling nation. In exchange for money, of course. You wouldn’t want the new country to develop communist tendencies right from the start.
Bonus Points: You can convince the politicians of your nation to extend those above monetary “aid” while you provide your non-monetary services. Your friends back home will surely love that.
Look at you being such a noble soul at heart. One Nobel Prize coming right up just for you!
Nice ritvik
Ballsy article, loved it!